Monday, January 20, 2014

What was going on in 2013

Already 19 days have passed since New Year’s Eve. During these 19 days I was thinking about my blog and about 2013. During these 19 days, I was thinking about to tell you what was going on last year. I needed 19 days to decide. 19 days…

Firstly I want you to know, that what I am going to write right now, is not easy for me, it needs a lot of strength.

If you check out my blog, you’ll notice that my last post was written on June 2nd, 2013. So, a half a year ago. Why did I stop posting?

First of all I want you to compare following pictures:

 (In both pictures I am wearing the same dress by Emporio Armani) 

"She's so skinny in the left picture!" Are your thoughts in this kind of direction? Yes? Well, I am pretty damn skinny in that picture obviously. I mean, there you see bones everywhere, don't you? 

Ok, let's make it a bit quicker... In 2013 I had been anorexic.

Taken in September 2013 - Weight about 41kg (90.2 lbs), BMI 14.2

This picture was taken just before I had to stop with my apprenticeship and school. In my opinion, this picture shows a young well dressed woman, but weak, tired, light as a feather, unhappy, dissatisfied and powerless. 

The lighter I was, the less I was myself, because I didn't control my daily life anymore. No no, it was Ana who did, the voice in my head. She command me about everything what had to do with nutrition. Example: "You may eat an apple, a nectarine and two thin slices of chees and you may drink 5 sips of water today." My only thoughts in my head were about food, loosing weight and to be perfect. Yeah perfection was my target. Everything had to be perfectly done. I could not do my homework, when I knew that a pencil was laying on a desk and not kept in its drawer. Crazy, I know. When something didn't work out perfectly, then I had to count with a punishment from Ana. As soon as I made a mistake at work, the less I got to eat and  to drink. This "game" started in Feburary last year. So now you have to think, after each mistake I got punished. So from February until September! And a normal person makes a lot of mistakes. A LOT! In six months I had lost 12kg, 2kg in a month, 0.5kg in a week. Before it started, I had already been pretty skinny. My weight was about 53kg (116lb) and my BMI was 18.3, which is just good. But the more I needed to be perfect, the less I liked myself and my body. From time to time I thought that I get thicker and thicker, even if I was loosing weight.. Maybe you don't understand it, which is actually good - trust me! 

So, I already told you, that I had to make a break with my education. Why? Because I couldn't do anything anymore! There was neither concentration nor strenght and no future in everyones eyes (parents, friends, human resources and my therapist). 

Now I must admit, that I am on a much better way! :D I got some weight, got more concetration and strenght. With my therapist I am learning to accept and to love myself, which is pretty hard to me. That's why I want to give another try to my blog and want to write a lot more posts than last year (crossing fingers!!!). 

Have a nice week, xoxo Alessandra Morena.

(Pictures from February until September)

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